lucky August 28, 2008

You are so lucky.
You are so lucky.

She says it all the time, T’s mother’s cousin Margery, when referring to K/F. I always thought she just meant it conversationally, like your kids are cute and you have a nice little family, a boy and a girl, how nice.

Then last time she added a bit about a family she knows whose 4 year old has leukemia. Then she mentioned another family, with a young boy who died from cancer. She, Margery, is of course fighting her second bout of cancer herself–  surgery and radiation. And finally, dumb me, I get it. I am SO LUCKY.

I am trying very very hard to say this every day. I am SO LUCKY. I will myself to stop worrying about all the possibles, and eventuals, and maybes in our future. Truth be told, I know nothing of our future. Anyone could get sick at any time. Anyone could die. But for today, I am SO LUCKY, because we are all ok.

We have everything we need.

vortex August 14, 2008

I love my babies. I love my kids. That said, these past couple of days weeks are killing me. I am so tired, like bone tired. Even when I get enough sleep I am bone tired. I know from reading other things on the www that I’m not alone in this. My situation is not unique or special or noteworthy in any way, except that it’s mine.

Oddly, I don’t type this to complain, but rather to marvel. Marvel that this parenthood thing has been going on for so long, with such apparent success. I mean, the species has not faltered due to lack of reproduction, in turn due to parenting being so damn hard.

I know that perhaps my age and our current familial situation likely has something to do with my fatigue. We have separate schedules. We are essentially taking turns being single parents (and with that statement I will piss off all the truly single parents). I am relying on my parents for childcare every week lately. They have been happy to help thus far, but I don’t want to suck them dry. I want them to have the energy for and luxury of being grandparents.

My father said to me the other day: These days will pass quickly; ENJOY them. That made me sad because it says that to an outsider, I’m not enjoying this. Though I am. When I’m not worrying about something, or tending to a sick one, or re-doing our budget to see if we can afford food AND daycare, or trying to pick up for the millionth time the ten-millionth toy, or basket of laundry, or pair of shoes. I do so enjoy them when I get a little sleep and don’t have the other pre-occupations. I love to sit and play ball with F. I love to read to K. I love to have time alone with each of them. I love to lay on the bed with them and hug. I love to go for walks and to the library. I love them and they bring me such joy. I can’t believe they’re my kids; I can’t even believe I HAVE kids some days. But here are these 2 little wonders who are so smart and funny and cute and precocious that they fill my heart.

My friend keeps saying that we’re in the vortex, lay flat, lay low, wait to be shot out of the tornado. And from experience, I know that is true. Once F is one year old (in 5 weeks), I will begin my slow ascent back to normalcy. I can stop pumping, can breast feed at will, with leisure. Can stop freezing milk and washing bottles. She will slowly transition to her own crib. As we get through this first year, I’ll have a better idea of our finances and how they have been affected by adding a person to our lives. I won’t need to worry so much about medical issues; she will have made it to one year. As our house/yard become more lead-free, I can cross that off my list of worries. As she gets older and I can leave her without her crying her head off, I will not feel so pressed to rush around squeezing in housework as able. Even this makes it sound a little like I’m just wishing away their early childhoods. But I’m NOT. I am simply trying to make it out the other side.

In the meantime, I try to act somewhat sanely and balance at least a little. I’m not doing so well, I know, but I will do better.

fresh mozzarella August 12, 2008

So did you know that when a kid gets sick, then doesn’t eat for three days, but drinks a lot of milk, and takes a lot of ibuprofen.. . . .well then sometimes his stomach gets upset and he vomits. . . . it looks just like logs of fresh mozzarella balls. I should have taken photos. Damn.

my 10month girl August 11, 2008

It strikes me that perhaps it’s unbalanced that my F posts are joy and my K posts are difficulty. That of course is not indicative of their whole beings, it just happens to be their ages and where we’re at these days. After this love letter to my daughter, I’ll try to switch in up a bit more.

Her physical entity: Our F is really growing. . . not so much in stature, she is still a little fireplug—sturdy, solid, muscle and mass. But she can do so much now. Two weeks ago she got 4 teeth and started to crawl. About a week ago, she finally rolled over. Now I wake up to her sitting in bed next to me. Or having crawled over and inserted herself into the space between the wall and the bed. Or having rolled over and bumped her head on the wall. You get the idea.

She is so so so different than K was. She puts EVERYthing in her mouth. She is a little vacuum cleaner, crawling along, hoovering up every speck of dust with her particular little pincer grasp. (She’s still quite good with her fine motor skills.)

Her temperament: When she is happy, she is joy. When she is mad, she is furor. In the last couple of days, she has started to throw back her head, arch her back, stick out her legs and scream/cry/wail/keen. It’s almost funny how mad she gets. Of course, if I then pick her up or rescue her from whomever else is trying to hold her, she throws them a smug, I’m-so-cute, AND I’VE WON smile. She is a smarty (and spoiled).

(Note that now, as I continue this, she is almost 11 months. . . )

She continues to charm, bewitch, captivate, and generally wrap-around-her-finger everyone who falls within her realm. I picked her up at school one day and one of the other parents said: That’s your daughter? She’s always so engaged and interested in whomever is coming in the door. She’s like a little ambassador.

Yes, she is.

I remember the nurse in the hospital said something like: There’s something about her, her eyes, her look, her wisdom, her something. She’s special. The pediatrician said something similar. I know that’s what people say about babies and I’m not necessarily relating this to brag (though I have no problem bragging about her), but rather to document for her that she has always been noticed for the light shining out of her eyes. . . . always.

She still laughs so hard at K. They tussle and wrestle and she laughs and laughs. He helps me out quite a bit by making her laugh (instead of continuing to cry as she is wont to do.) In the last 2 weeks, she has started to play ball or push car – - basically a reciprocal game of back and forth. Last night she picked up a doll and said: Baa Baa. She kisses it with a big open-mouth suck. She holds it out to be kissed. She’s very serious as she notices things throughout the day. Her pointer finger is pretty much always extended toward something as she utters: Da Da. Then she looks at you for confirmation, like, did you SEE that. Very serious. My mother said that she will try to repeat whatever word you might say to her. I’ve kind of heard her say: Buh-duh (brother) and a few other approximations.

A couple of weeks ago she started waving in earnest. She makes a circle motion for fan. She waves one hand for hello/goodbye. She waves both hands for everything else. She waves at the drop of a hat.

She loves bath time and tries to tip over so she can drink the bath-water.

While sitting on her bum, she bounces up and down so hard she almost leaves the ground.

She’s moving about with a purposeful crawl. She pulls herself up. She occasionally will do a funny 2 straight-legs crawl and try to stand up. When she’s laying on her back getting her diaper changed, she puts her legs in the air, pointing opposite directions, basically doing the splits, and then pats the inside of both thighs and laughs.

Since we started daycare, both K/F have been sick (but that’s a whole other post).

We’re going to start transitioning her into her own crib soon. Parts of me are happy about that, but I’d have to say that most of me is sad. I like sleeping with her. I like night-feedings (though yes, they tire me). I like waking up to her. This morning she woke up, rolled over, and waved at me. Big smile, big eyes. I’m going to miss her at night. But I know it’s probably for the best of the whole family that she move on.